another chapter for "the book"

i am pretty much over embracing the single life.

its been 4 years since ive been in a steady relationship... wow. just seeing that in writing hurts.

anyway, i am really beginning to think there is something wrong here.

initially i wanted this. i wanted to be single and stable and get my life in order. now that i pretty much feel that this is as stable and "in order" my life is ever going to get... im over it.

i must be getting old.

or ugly.

i remember when id get hit on everywhere i went. granted, i was 50lbs lighter and 10 years younger but shit! really? there's a million fat, ugly broads out there who have men.

am i giving off the "ive had cancer, stay away" vibe?

am i giving off the "im crazy and im going become obsessed with you" vibe?

or maybe its the "i feel fat and ugly so dont look at me" vibe?

oh shit.

maybe its all 3.

oh wise one oprah says that once you let it all go... it will come to you.

bitch best be right because i am not happy.

so, today, i let it all go. im giving it up to the universe... or whatever.

i want to be that girl who finds love after cancer. actually, i want to be that girl that finds love after addiction, depression and cancer.

good luck to me.