lucky in love.

luck doesnt exist in reality.
luck is an excuse people use to turn their world outward when, in reality, we need to bring it all inward.
luck has just as much to do with falling in love as it does with winning the lottery or scoring a promotion. in order to win the lotto, you must buy the ticket; just as getting a promotion at work has direct connect to your performance and your choices.
falling in love means doing a lot of homework and mindful inventory...
what are your wants in a partner? your desires?
what can you offer someone else?
what are your deal breakers?
what is settling?
how much do you love yourself?
if the tables were turned, would you be in a relationship with the person you are today?
it can be a difficult journey to finding out who you really are. it is hard work that- as soon as you feel youre ready- you find you arent even close.
it may not happen when you want it to or how you dreamed it would, but there is one guarantee... if you do the work, you will find it.

i spent years in unsatisfying, dead end relationships with men i didnt respect because i didnt respect myself! once i did the work and found out who i was, i found happiness. i found love and respect for me.
i realized i didnt like the person i was and i spent 3 years in a cocoon transforming myself.
i found my insecurities and my fear. i acknowledged them for the first time. i found vulnerability. i conquered my fear with understanding and compassion.

it is a cliché but difficult statement to truly grasp: you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. really think about that. an immediate reaction is usually, i do love myself... but follow that statement with WHY. i love myself because... x, y, z.

the key is there is no luck in reality; only reflection. there are no ordinary circumstances. wonderful things dont just happen to some people. wonderful things happen to everyone everyday... if you just allow them to.
the "lucky few" are really the reflective, eager and dedicated few.

chasing the dream.

story is that "it" is all about the journey, not the destination. i think maybe another way to look at it is that its all about the little destinations. we are very stuck on the idea that we are born, we live and we die. maybe that in itself is the façade. maybe we manifest into different things along our giant journey and the idea is to make sure to never see things as having any beginning or end at all. truth is we cant really manifest from nothing, and therefore we can never be nothing.
every little "beginning" and "end" is just a spot in time. a speck within our path.
we are children, innocent. we grow into magnificent adults and change our thoughts and beliefs accordingly, but we never truly stop being children, innocent. we grow elderly or ill, but we still are the pure beings weve always been. we meet amazing, wonderful people that help shape our lives as we know it... and they will live on forever in what the left behind. its never just over.
many of us are caught in our day to day; going through the motions. working ourselves to the bone to keep that car, the house, the memory. we want to constantly be better, make more money, have more "things". running in circles to catch or next high will eventually leave us empty and alone... because really, we have it all. right here. right now.
maybe some say this is magical thinking.
i say it is my reality.

simplicity.

i think life in general is very simple.
i also think that what people want out of life is simple, when you pull away all the fluff; the money, the talents- all we really want is to be loved and accepted for who we truly are. we want to be stripped away to the bare minimum and be adored anyway.

take away my hair, my eyelashes, my chest.
take away my career, my car, my things.
take away all you see and you will still find me.

youll find a woman that struggles; that fights, that loves and longs.
youll find a woman that strives and wins- no matter what. a woman that only wants you to look at me and see what no one else sees and to love that more and more everyday.

find me the one that admires the constant drive and sees beauty in all that it entails. find me the one that would do anything but lose themselves in cool, dark sheets... that melts at the sound of my voice- no matter what the words may be... that gets shivers from my fingertips - and when we're apart, they find themselves daydreaming about when we arent.

its all anyone truly wants. to be perfectly imperfect in someone else's eyes, other than their own. you may know who you are and where you want to be. you may love your own idiosyncrasies and find confidence your abilities... but, at some point, you reach a height where you hope to find yourself no longer standing alone... to take comfort in knowing that all this hard work has paid off and you have safety in admiring it all with someone by your side.

simple. right?

lesson.

ive been wondering for days now how to express how ive been feeling - and im not even sure there are words really. lonely, purposeful-less, anxious, trapped, selfish, dependant, cowardly...

how can i possibly be sad? how can i even remotely feel sorry for myself when i am alive and healthy? its such a mix of emotions. on one side, i am so grateful and lucky and on another, i am still fighting demons. they still creep up on me now and again and it is exhausting constantly trying to be positive and happy... even if i have a million things to be happy about. i guess that is depression in a nutshell, isnt it? what a bitch it is. a constant fight. and maybe not everyone understands it. i know i wouldnt. nothing frustrates me more than someone that seemingly has everything and doesnt see it.
i could be sick right now. i could be fighting for my life. but, in a way, i kind of am. thankfully i am treatable. thankfully i dont need oxygen or pain meds to function. thankfully i dont know roughly when im going to die. thankfully i have hope.

maybe thats the lesson in this weeks meltdown. i have the opportunity for recovery. i have hope. not everyone gets that blessing.