ive been wondering for days now how to express how ive been feeling - and im not even sure there are words really. lonely, purposeful-less, anxious, trapped, selfish, dependant, cowardly...
how can i possibly be sad? how can i even remotely feel sorry for myself when i am alive and healthy? its such a mix of emotions. on one side, i am so grateful and lucky and on another, i am still fighting demons. they still creep up on me now and again and it is exhausting constantly trying to be positive and happy... even if i have a million things to be happy about. i guess that is depression in a nutshell, isnt it? what a bitch it is. a constant fight. and maybe not everyone understands it. i know i wouldnt. nothing frustrates me more than someone that seemingly has everything and doesnt see it.
i could be sick right now. i could be fighting for my life. but, in a way, i kind of am. thankfully i am treatable. thankfully i dont need oxygen or pain meds to function. thankfully i dont know roughly when im going to die. thankfully i have hope.
maybe thats the lesson in this weeks meltdown. i have the opportunity for recovery. i have hope. not everyone gets that blessing.
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