a couple things...

1. my boob is killing me!

2. im sick of calling my obgyn for an appointment and no one calling me back.

3. my lips are chapped.

4. this weekend's havasu trip was a bust!

5. i need ANOTHER root canal.

6. unemployment is a bitch! where's my fucking money!?

ahhh. all better.

in a day.

not a day goes by that i dont think about cancer at least once.

last night i had a dream that i had clitoral cancer. does that even exist? anyway, i was misdiagnosed and as it turned out, i didnt have it after all. story of the cycle of my mind.

they say that you need to think positive because what you think, you attract - but when you are living in fear every moment that one day this bitch will get you... its hard to do.

its a great way to live... like maybe you wont be here tomorrow... but at the same time the fear will stop you in your tracks. take your breath away... when its real it hurts.

being on hold.

im on hold with the nevada unemployment office. its only been 15 minutes and i know i have at least another hour of scratchy hold music to go.

more often than not i live a fairly uneventful life... by choice. im one of those people that needs their down time. i also need a full 8 hours of sleep every night. im unique i guess. maybe thats why i havent had kids. whatever. so this past week has been super full. im getting used to not working and being on a certain schedule and having a lot of down time. last week we had in-law family and friends in town. too much for one girl. i feel badly because i didnt get to do everything everyone else wanted me to do, but at the same time, im not a shopper or a clubber, so give it up. one of the friends that was in town was expressing how tiring it was for HIM to be the life of the party. the fun one. uh huh. agreed. im not always fun. im not always perky. im not always into getting wasted. you're over it. since when do i care what people think anyway? awe... i must be growing up. 28's a bitch.

you know what else is a bitch? trying to start a non-profit affiliate.
seriously.
i know people have lives. me too! duh. i just wish these ladies didnt push for this new group. i wanted to back off and away from the whole cancer thing... and everyone was gung ho about starting a ysc affiliate. i expressed i didnt want to be doing this alone. and sometimes... i feel alone. granted, i have one loyal partner in crime... and i hope it lasts... but 2 girls cant run an affiliate. hopefully ill get some advice while in dc on how to motivate volunteers and how to communicate the best with everyone.
it is ubber frustrating.

[on hold for 25 minutes now.]

i saw another girl passed yesterday. i didnt know her but it always hits hard.
this shit better not kill me.
ill be super pissed!

how my heart breaks.

i just wanted to say that its amazing what goes through your mind during test time.
my oncologist appointment is in 1 hour. i just did blood work this time, but it feels the same no matter what tests you do.
i was just sitting and thinking about october 5, 2006.
ran the whole day through my mind...

i wonder what my life would be like if i didnt have to worry about cancer anymore.

makes me rethink the ovaries...
makes me want to rip everything out of me and be a shell of a person without any fucking organs.

fear.

no one ever wants cancer, but i really, really dont want it now.
i have so much to do!
i guess the key is not to think about everything you want to do.

how my heart breaks.

blah blah.

sunday was my 2 year chemo-versary.
next celebration is july 3rd... my 2 year rads-versary.

its been 6 months since my last doctors visit... which means blood work and oncologist. did the blood work this morning, and i see the oncologist tomorrow. im also due for my pelvic ultrasound which makes me the most nervous.
i hate [i mean really, really hate] test time.
at least i dont have a scan for another 6 months.
i cried at the last one when i found out everything was good.
its like having an emotional orgasm.

other than that, i have a busy couple of months. the relay event is at the end of this month, which will be our first official ysc las vegas event. we arent raising money, but the awareness of the organization will be totally awesome.
on the 2nd ill be heading to dc again for another conference about advocacy. i get to see jeannine again! woot. it should be great.

im started to get super excited and make plans for rochester too. its been 2 years and i just cant wait to be glued to lisa's hip the whole time. i miss her. <3

i was sick [and still am really] all last week. missed the gym for about 2 weeks and went back yesterday... but it was like i hadnt missed a beat... thank god. im really struggling with the whole keeping within my points deal though. i dont know what it is... i do fine all day and then the evening comes around and im screwed. the whole middle of the night bullshit has to stop too. i think i go to bed too early and get too much sleep so i wake up a lot during the night.
whatever.
i need to get a grip though, really.

the end.