it really is all good here.

Im starting to realize what a wonderful life I really have.
They say its all relative, the grass is always greener.
Today I noticed Ive got it pretty damn good. Granted, I may be living with my mom, but I am with someone who loves and respects me and we get along great!
I may be single, but the opposite is not always what its cracked up to be.
I have freedom and happiness and independence and its beautiful and wonderful.
I have strong, fulfilling and healthy relationships.
I have a strong family support, no secrets and an openness and honesty that is rare.
Who’s to say that having the house, 2 cars, a husband and a high paying job is the right way? Theres a whole lot of unhappiness that comes from those “perfect lives” and “perfect positions”…

Again, I may not have a home of my own, a man of my own, or even a job of my own, but I do have a life of my own, a mind of my own and happiness of my own.

Today, I am thankful and happy for my quirky, uncommon, unconformist life, that really is perfect.

me?

See my Personality Profile

View Full MyPersonality.org Profile

0 50 100	%
Openness	66%
Conscientiousness	72%
Extraversion	84%
Agreeableness	53%
Neuroticism	25%

HANDBOOK 2010

HANDBOOK 2010

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree....

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change...
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

truth be told.

lesson #1: never except a gift from someone that may or may not have ulterior motives.
lesson #2: even your best friend may lie to you.

when i accepted a free ticket to see my best friend, i never knew it would end like this. my idea of a good life, honesty and friendship has been taken and someone else's reality check is my punishment.
when she said she could tell me anything, she didnt mean everything.

i am now going to suffer for my oblivion to the truth. i didnt care where it came from, i just wanted a trip to see her. i would have taken a ticket from satan himself. and, in a way i kind of did. was it better to not know the truth? was this friendship all a lie? id rather know where i stand than continue with false relationships.

everyone has secrets. no one tells all.
i wish i knew that from the beginning.
maybe i need to keep some things inside too.
maybe im too much of an open book.

find me truth.
find me honesty.
until then... ill sit alone. and im fine with that.

holidays.

today was thankgiving. my first non-smoking thanksgiving i can remember. i dealt. 4 weeks sunday. win. first sober thanksgiving like ever. win 2.
i spent the day with the usual group and all was good.

2 weeks to lisa.

of course, the holidays get us to thinking what we are thankful for. so i thought id list some things here now...

family (duh)
enough money to live.
health. (huge)
happiness.
freedom.
from cigarettes, drugs, dependency, all of it.
boo boo.
optimism.
growth.
learning.
today.

i cant wait to see lisa again so soon. it makes it so much more tolerable doing this every 6 months. and i am hugely grateful to the one who helped make this trip possible. that kindness is amazing to me. i guess dominic told louise the other day that his aunt jeanna was coming to visit. not his cousin's mom, but his godmother aunt jeanna. i love that. shit like that makes me know im doing my job. amazing.
amazing that he is a little person now and i remember the day that she asked me to be his godmother and how i cried. now he knows who aunt jeanna is.

still no full time job and im ok with that for now. after i get back from rochester, and after christmas is said and done, then ill start to panic. at least i have my health. really, thats all i need. my health and my sanity.
until next time...
xoxo

quitting. damn it.

im uber excieted to say that i have found a nicotine annonomous support group. i know i need it, so yay!
here's a couple of things i read that i want to remember...

If you have a problem and then use nicotine, you now have two problems.
Understand that you do not need nicotine (it is not nutritional).
Don't delay action toward stopping your use of nicotine because you think there are too many pressures in your life.
Think about letting go of nicotine as a "choice" rather than something you are doing to deprive yourself.
When you quit you may experience a sense of loss.
Don't dwell on these thoughts. The sense of loss is temporary, but the gains you receive will be enjoyed the rest of your life. It will become a pleasure to remove nicotine from your life.
If you feel an urge to use nicotine think H.A.L.T. Four basic triggers for using nicotine are when we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired.
There are better companions than cigarettes. As we end our relationship with nicotine there may be feelings of grief or loneliness. It is good to share what you are experiencing with others who are going through the same thing. Use your meeting's phone list to keep connected and clean with feelings of fellowship.

Our Addiction

Our use of nicotine made our lives unmanageable and most likely affected others. We have come to accept that nicotine addiction is a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual disease.

Nicotine use affected our behavior and attitudes. The continual desire for nicotine patterned our thinking and we believed we could not live without it. We invented many rationalizations and excuses to maintain our supply of nicotine.

The biochemical effects may have instilled a false sense of pleasure or control, but we were out of control. One puff or chew was too many, and a thousand were never enough.

Left to our own devices, we would have continued to destroy our bodies, suppress our feelings and alienate our families, lovers, and friends.

'nuff said.

nothing is good.

nothing to write about either means im living a horrible unfulfilling life or that im living an amazing one.

or maybe ive just been too busy for self reflection.

i want to fall in love.
thats all i know right now.

i dont think its about how strong a person is... just what their interests are.

i dont think its about how strong a person is... just what their interests are.

"not everyone is as strong as you"... "you are so strong to beat all you have"...
my new response is going to be that it isnt how strong you are, its if you are interested in fighting it.
ive always been fascinated with how the mind works. ive always set goals for myself. whether it be to become a more patient person, let go of anger or ditch an addiction, ive always wanted to be better tomorrow than i am today. for some people this is far from their goal. their goals are to be a good mom or wife to their overworked husband... to have nice things, to get a raise. granted, i want all those things too, but under it all my true goals never waiver.

i think thats why all these "tests" are laid before me. i was up for the challenge.
i am up for the challenge.

9.22.09

in havasu...
i dont know of anything besides love that makes you feel more alive than a thunderstorm.
it awakens every sense.
the pitter patter of rain, the drops at your feet...
the sound of the roaring thunder.
the smell.
its beautiful, fresh. perfect.
in a thunderstorm you forget about cancer.
i want to run naked in the rain.
add that to my bucket list: run naked in the rain.

most of us frown apon thunderstorms.
it gets in the way of our busy lives. gets our car dirty. makes us late...
but tonight, i sit at the table outside and i thank god. i thank mother earth... for the gift of feeling alive.

havasu.

Miles from nowhere... cat stevens...

Miles from nowhere
I guess Ill take my time
Oh yeah, to reach there

Look up at the mountain
I have to climb
Oh yeah, to reach there.

Lord my body has been a good friend
But I wont need it when I reach the end

Miles from nowhere
Guess Ill take my time
Oh yeah, to reach there

I creep through the valleys
And I grope through the woods
cause I know when I find it my honey
Its gonna make me feel good

I love everything
So dont it make you feel sad
cause Ill drink to you, my baby
Ill think to that, Ill think to that.

Miles from nowhere
Not a soul in sight
Oh yeah, but its alright

I have my freedom
I can make my own rules
Oh yeah, the ones that I choose

Lord my body has been a good friend
But I wont need it when I reach the end

Miles from nowhere
Guess Ill take my time
Oh yeah, to reach there.

baby vs. living?

is that even right?
this is my struggle every single day lately.
do i ditch this ovaries and regret it for the rest of my life, because i never had a baby? i can almost picture him/her now... with those images haunt me forever?
or... do i wait just to find out that i have cervical cancer.
what a FUCKED up place to be.
it eats me every day... ALL day.

ps: i want to get naked in a hot tub with someone and enjoy it.
damn it.

just wondering...

surgery was monday and so far so good... not so good for some other girls... we'll see what happens. i have started planning my life in hopes it will work out that way. now that the boob situation is under control...

meet someone amazing

get engaged

plan the classic "jeanna wedding" of my dreams

have a baby

take ovaries.

there. ive said it aloud. that is my plan.

the universe loves me and wants to give this all to me.

shower.

rosemary & rob's shower was a success and i wanted to post pictures for memory's sake.

sigh.

a sigh of relief yet again.

another round of tests complete and within normal range.

its beyond words.

facing the possibility of the fight every 6 months is exhausting.

i swear, as soon as 35 hits, these ovaries are coming out!!!

...until november, folks...

up for interpretation

double dream interpretation... or contemplation, really.

i was stung by a bee. my first sting. i wasnt allergic and all was well.

i was the driver of a tour bus but had no idea where i was going.

awesome.

the question of the week.

really, most people's cancer journey is the same, no matter what the cancer.
i watched farrah's story last night. seems we all think the same dirty thoughts, have the same dreaded fears...

it makes me wonder about what im doing right now.
am i living the life i was meant to live?
am i doing everything i can with every moment?

i dont know.

right now my fear is that i will never experience certain things.
specific certain things... like love.
will i ever fall in love again?
am i not meeting that one special person because i wont make it long enough and ill just end up heartbroken anyway?

i try not to think.

i try not to think...

her.

she tells me im not enough.
not pretty enough.
not thin enough.
not deserving enough.

she hides behind me.
over me.
lurking in my shadow.
she waits.

i dismiss her.
pretend not to know her.
hope that i wont see her.

she's that voice that says i failed.
she says do more.
be better.
try harder.
i failed.

she waits.
she taps me on the shoulder.
she's always there.
she waits.

"funny, the way it is"

does anyone else want to talk about how everyone is falling in love, getting married and having babies?

did i already live my love life?

are you only alloud a certain number of boyfriends in a lifetime and i already used all mine up between the ages of 12 and 22? had i known, i probably wouldnt have kissed all those toads.

another chapter for "the book"

i am pretty much over embracing the single life.

its been 4 years since ive been in a steady relationship... wow. just seeing that in writing hurts.

anyway, i am really beginning to think there is something wrong here.

initially i wanted this. i wanted to be single and stable and get my life in order. now that i pretty much feel that this is as stable and "in order" my life is ever going to get... im over it.

i must be getting old.

or ugly.

i remember when id get hit on everywhere i went. granted, i was 50lbs lighter and 10 years younger but shit! really? there's a million fat, ugly broads out there who have men.

am i giving off the "ive had cancer, stay away" vibe?

am i giving off the "im crazy and im going become obsessed with you" vibe?

or maybe its the "i feel fat and ugly so dont look at me" vibe?

oh shit.

maybe its all 3.

oh wise one oprah says that once you let it all go... it will come to you.

bitch best be right because i am not happy.

so, today, i let it all go. im giving it up to the universe... or whatever.

i want to be that girl who finds love after cancer. actually, i want to be that girl that finds love after addiction, depression and cancer.

good luck to me.

still insane.

all your insecurities never really go away... you just get really good at hiding them.

epic fail.

no one likes to fail.
i seem to be doing it a lot lately.

epic fail no.1: starting a ysc affiliate... i didnt think i could do it and im really starting to prove that theory and starting to question if this really is something i even remotely want to do. finding people on the same playing field is proving impossible and from what i hear is never going to happen. i am wondering if i am more of a follower than a leader. i sure as hell blow at managing people properly and delegating work and duties.

epic fail no. 2: still no job. which, i suppose would be ok, but since this advocacy crap isnt working, im feeling a lot less into not working.

epic fail no.3: totally dont have my anxiety under control like i thought. i ended up walking out of 2 of my 3 sessions from this weekend due to panic. great.

epic fail no. 4: um... still fat and guys still totally dont dig me. while out in dc this weekend i didnt so much as get a wink. i did however, have someone tell me that his friend did NOT think i was hot and another tell me he was going to "curb my ass" which led to yet another bar brawl. seriously.

this is one of my finer whoa is me moments.

charisma.

im pretty happy in life. there arent many things that i want, but there are a few things i enjoy... and certain people's company is one of them.

dilemma?

of course.

there is one person in particular that i really enjoy spending my time with... not someone i'd want to have anything too serious with, and definitely not someone id want to marry... but i enjoy being with him. our schedules totally clash. he usually works pretty late and most often i am passed out before 9. if i was living outside of my mom's house, im sure it would be different. i wouldnt mind going out on a random night... but living with her, we have certain routines and i know how she likes things to be run. i feel i kinda owe that to her being that i live in her house. not to mention, she really doesnt like this guy. not one bit. its just a gut feeling she has i guess. whatever. i think its bad memories from years past. as it turns out we dated for a bit while i was using years ago... before my diagnosis. things were very different then.

anyway.

i guess my vent for the day is that i enjoy spending time with this guy and i wish i could see him more.

and i cant.

a couple things...

1. my boob is killing me!

2. im sick of calling my obgyn for an appointment and no one calling me back.

3. my lips are chapped.

4. this weekend's havasu trip was a bust!

5. i need ANOTHER root canal.

6. unemployment is a bitch! where's my fucking money!?

ahhh. all better.

in a day.

not a day goes by that i dont think about cancer at least once.

last night i had a dream that i had clitoral cancer. does that even exist? anyway, i was misdiagnosed and as it turned out, i didnt have it after all. story of the cycle of my mind.

they say that you need to think positive because what you think, you attract - but when you are living in fear every moment that one day this bitch will get you... its hard to do.

its a great way to live... like maybe you wont be here tomorrow... but at the same time the fear will stop you in your tracks. take your breath away... when its real it hurts.

being on hold.

im on hold with the nevada unemployment office. its only been 15 minutes and i know i have at least another hour of scratchy hold music to go.

more often than not i live a fairly uneventful life... by choice. im one of those people that needs their down time. i also need a full 8 hours of sleep every night. im unique i guess. maybe thats why i havent had kids. whatever. so this past week has been super full. im getting used to not working and being on a certain schedule and having a lot of down time. last week we had in-law family and friends in town. too much for one girl. i feel badly because i didnt get to do everything everyone else wanted me to do, but at the same time, im not a shopper or a clubber, so give it up. one of the friends that was in town was expressing how tiring it was for HIM to be the life of the party. the fun one. uh huh. agreed. im not always fun. im not always perky. im not always into getting wasted. you're over it. since when do i care what people think anyway? awe... i must be growing up. 28's a bitch.

you know what else is a bitch? trying to start a non-profit affiliate.
seriously.
i know people have lives. me too! duh. i just wish these ladies didnt push for this new group. i wanted to back off and away from the whole cancer thing... and everyone was gung ho about starting a ysc affiliate. i expressed i didnt want to be doing this alone. and sometimes... i feel alone. granted, i have one loyal partner in crime... and i hope it lasts... but 2 girls cant run an affiliate. hopefully ill get some advice while in dc on how to motivate volunteers and how to communicate the best with everyone.
it is ubber frustrating.

[on hold for 25 minutes now.]

i saw another girl passed yesterday. i didnt know her but it always hits hard.
this shit better not kill me.
ill be super pissed!

how my heart breaks.

i just wanted to say that its amazing what goes through your mind during test time.
my oncologist appointment is in 1 hour. i just did blood work this time, but it feels the same no matter what tests you do.
i was just sitting and thinking about october 5, 2006.
ran the whole day through my mind...

i wonder what my life would be like if i didnt have to worry about cancer anymore.

makes me rethink the ovaries...
makes me want to rip everything out of me and be a shell of a person without any fucking organs.

fear.

no one ever wants cancer, but i really, really dont want it now.
i have so much to do!
i guess the key is not to think about everything you want to do.

how my heart breaks.

blah blah.

sunday was my 2 year chemo-versary.
next celebration is july 3rd... my 2 year rads-versary.

its been 6 months since my last doctors visit... which means blood work and oncologist. did the blood work this morning, and i see the oncologist tomorrow. im also due for my pelvic ultrasound which makes me the most nervous.
i hate [i mean really, really hate] test time.
at least i dont have a scan for another 6 months.
i cried at the last one when i found out everything was good.
its like having an emotional orgasm.

other than that, i have a busy couple of months. the relay event is at the end of this month, which will be our first official ysc las vegas event. we arent raising money, but the awareness of the organization will be totally awesome.
on the 2nd ill be heading to dc again for another conference about advocacy. i get to see jeannine again! woot. it should be great.

im started to get super excited and make plans for rochester too. its been 2 years and i just cant wait to be glued to lisa's hip the whole time. i miss her. <3

i was sick [and still am really] all last week. missed the gym for about 2 weeks and went back yesterday... but it was like i hadnt missed a beat... thank god. im really struggling with the whole keeping within my points deal though. i dont know what it is... i do fine all day and then the evening comes around and im screwed. the whole middle of the night bullshit has to stop too. i think i go to bed too early and get too much sleep so i wake up a lot during the night.
whatever.
i need to get a grip though, really.

the end.

meanies

girls are such bitches.
me included, but after seeing what ive seen, im really going to try my damnedest not to be.
i was on the ysc boards today and was totally sick over what i was reading.
nasty.
just nasty.

if you want to be a bitch, maybe the lesson is to do it in a more private sector. lashing out at people on the internet just makes you look like an ass!

some girls were giving another lady shit because she was posting about her thin hair. as if you guys didnt have that same issue once! good god.

12 weeks and 15lbs.

12 weeks until rochester and i need to be down to 160 by the trip. thats all there is to it. :)
last night's weigh in was a bust because i had sushi for lunch, so according to their scale, i was up 4lbs. really? 4lbs? it must have been all the salt. jerks. we'll just pretend that never happened and next week ill be down like 6. :)
off to the gym.

how far we've come...

my advice:

dont do drugs, kids.

sure, they make you feel great NOW... but its the after that will kill you.

the end.

saturday.

i looked in the mirror today and realized that i dont remember what it was like to have nipples. how awesome is that? who needs 'em really? breast feeding mothers i suppose.

i dont know anyone that craves social interaction the way i do.

i dont know why i need it so bad. its what makes us human i guess.

im so lucky to even be here.

i need to remember that.

what makes this time different.

they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, while expecting a different result. i tend to disagree. i think that should define a lack of awareness. i think insanity is more of a disassociation with reality... and ive definitely experienced both.

i want this time to be different.

ive seen the dark side and im make a choice to avoid it at all costs... but dont misunderstand. im not avoiding my feelings. i think its important to feel... and recognise... or your mind and body will have interesting ways of forcing you to-

im afraid.
im afraid ill fail.
im afraid ill get sucked in... but not without a fight.

maybe thats what makes this time different.
determination.
hope.

im lucky really.
im lucky to have experienced so much already.
ive seen the bitter, the cold. felt the darkness.
but ive also held joy in my hands and known where it came from and where to find it again.

i think people have a choice... when its all well and good... people make a choice to keep it that way. usually when youve been sucked into the not and the negative, you have to scratch your way out and its a bitch... but when all is well, you can keep it going.
i have a choice, when things go unexpectedly, when things go a different route... whether its a cancer diagnosis, a breakup or a lay off. whatever is thrown my way, i make the choice to find the positive.... to be happy no matter what.

my life is here. my life is now.
its perfect, however imperfect.
it can be taken away from me at any time...
so for now i chose joy.
for now, ive decided on happiness.

news.

i found out yesterday that i cant be hired on to the ysc until at least 2010. it made me sad, but i understand there are other locations that need to be staffed before las vegas. other locations that have been built up and in need.

i applied for a couple of jobs yesterday so i could at least know i was doing all i had to in order to get things moving. they werent great jobs, but whatever.

i am going to check into the caring place and see if they need any more volunteers there as well. between the 2 and looking for work, i should be kept very busy.

i know from past experience, i need to keep myself busy and healthy to keep my sanity and happiness. i am determined to go to the gym every day to keep this going as well.

im so optimistic. woah.

nothing magical.

i suppose i have nothing spectacular to write about today.
its not that i even feel the need to write everyday, but for some reason im feeling like i should today. as if that even made any sense.

lunch with the bff's yesterday was really good. i think it was needed for my "healing process"... im feeling a lot less bitter about the layoff... which makes my soul feel less bogged down with yuckiness. in all honesty im happy they are still there. i wouldnt want them to be searching for work... at least i have the ysc to keep me busy and focused on something other than the failing economy. which reminds me... we have a meeting next week [not sure of the details yet] with komen. we really need to put aside any bad feelings, pronto. trinity has been a huge help with all of this, and i am so thrilled to have her on my team.
i also have a phone meeting with lori today. i should write down my thoughts and progress before i forget.

anywhoot... i can feel myself getting slightly discouraged today since i feel like i dont have that much going on at the moment. i should go to the gym again. i felt so much better yesterday after going. i probably wont though.

maybe i should eat something.
ww tonight. i better have lost something. :)

well here we are...

i decided to delete the myspace account, now that ive made the switch over to facebook... so here we are.
i was a bit sad deleting it, actually... since all my diagnosis and treatment blogs were stored there. its a new time now and i suppose a new place is just the thing.

updates:

lost the job on thursday. i was outwardly hoping to be on the layoff list and craig insisted i was just "coping"... i suppose i was... i got genuinely pissed after it happened. i know a couple people wanted me out and they got just that. at any rate, what's done is done and you know what they say... when one door closes, another opens. i hope thats the case.
my goal is to focus 100% on building the ysc las vegas affiliate, but the downer is that nothing is moving as fast as id like it to. i need to wait on materials to be sent in order to have something to bring to hospitals and oncology clinics... hurry and wait. love that!
at group last night, one of the ladies told me that her doctor had heard that we are known as the "negative group"... this really kills me. i have put a lot into these groups for 2 years now and knowing that is our stigma is just a huge blow. we'll turn it around, and whoever is talking shit will surely look like the asshole eventually... but still...

conference was this weekend and we had a killer time, but it seems that one weekend just isnt long enough!

i am planning on attending a conference in dc may 2-5 where i will learn how to effectively lobby on capitol hill, do successful media interviews and build an affiliate. ive applied for the scholarship, but need to find the money for my airfare. donations anyone?

i just got a text invite to lunch from some people at work... well, the old work... i think i might just do that... but now that i said yes, im feeling a bit nauseated by the idea.
we'll see what happens...