sigh.

a sigh of relief yet again.

another round of tests complete and within normal range.

its beyond words.

facing the possibility of the fight every 6 months is exhausting.

i swear, as soon as 35 hits, these ovaries are coming out!!!

...until november, folks...

up for interpretation

double dream interpretation... or contemplation, really.

i was stung by a bee. my first sting. i wasnt allergic and all was well.

i was the driver of a tour bus but had no idea where i was going.

awesome.

the question of the week.

really, most people's cancer journey is the same, no matter what the cancer.
i watched farrah's story last night. seems we all think the same dirty thoughts, have the same dreaded fears...

it makes me wonder about what im doing right now.
am i living the life i was meant to live?
am i doing everything i can with every moment?

i dont know.

right now my fear is that i will never experience certain things.
specific certain things... like love.
will i ever fall in love again?
am i not meeting that one special person because i wont make it long enough and ill just end up heartbroken anyway?

i try not to think.

i try not to think...

her.

she tells me im not enough.
not pretty enough.
not thin enough.
not deserving enough.

she hides behind me.
over me.
lurking in my shadow.
she waits.

i dismiss her.
pretend not to know her.
hope that i wont see her.

she's that voice that says i failed.
she says do more.
be better.
try harder.
i failed.

she waits.
she taps me on the shoulder.
she's always there.
she waits.

"funny, the way it is"

does anyone else want to talk about how everyone is falling in love, getting married and having babies?

did i already live my love life?

are you only alloud a certain number of boyfriends in a lifetime and i already used all mine up between the ages of 12 and 22? had i known, i probably wouldnt have kissed all those toads.

another chapter for "the book"

i am pretty much over embracing the single life.

its been 4 years since ive been in a steady relationship... wow. just seeing that in writing hurts.

anyway, i am really beginning to think there is something wrong here.

initially i wanted this. i wanted to be single and stable and get my life in order. now that i pretty much feel that this is as stable and "in order" my life is ever going to get... im over it.

i must be getting old.

or ugly.

i remember when id get hit on everywhere i went. granted, i was 50lbs lighter and 10 years younger but shit! really? there's a million fat, ugly broads out there who have men.

am i giving off the "ive had cancer, stay away" vibe?

am i giving off the "im crazy and im going become obsessed with you" vibe?

or maybe its the "i feel fat and ugly so dont look at me" vibe?

oh shit.

maybe its all 3.

oh wise one oprah says that once you let it all go... it will come to you.

bitch best be right because i am not happy.

so, today, i let it all go. im giving it up to the universe... or whatever.

i want to be that girl who finds love after cancer. actually, i want to be that girl that finds love after addiction, depression and cancer.

good luck to me.

still insane.

all your insecurities never really go away... you just get really good at hiding them.

epic fail.

no one likes to fail.
i seem to be doing it a lot lately.

epic fail no.1: starting a ysc affiliate... i didnt think i could do it and im really starting to prove that theory and starting to question if this really is something i even remotely want to do. finding people on the same playing field is proving impossible and from what i hear is never going to happen. i am wondering if i am more of a follower than a leader. i sure as hell blow at managing people properly and delegating work and duties.

epic fail no. 2: still no job. which, i suppose would be ok, but since this advocacy crap isnt working, im feeling a lot less into not working.

epic fail no.3: totally dont have my anxiety under control like i thought. i ended up walking out of 2 of my 3 sessions from this weekend due to panic. great.

epic fail no. 4: um... still fat and guys still totally dont dig me. while out in dc this weekend i didnt so much as get a wink. i did however, have someone tell me that his friend did NOT think i was hot and another tell me he was going to "curb my ass" which led to yet another bar brawl. seriously.

this is one of my finer whoa is me moments.

charisma.

im pretty happy in life. there arent many things that i want, but there are a few things i enjoy... and certain people's company is one of them.

dilemma?

of course.

there is one person in particular that i really enjoy spending my time with... not someone i'd want to have anything too serious with, and definitely not someone id want to marry... but i enjoy being with him. our schedules totally clash. he usually works pretty late and most often i am passed out before 9. if i was living outside of my mom's house, im sure it would be different. i wouldnt mind going out on a random night... but living with her, we have certain routines and i know how she likes things to be run. i feel i kinda owe that to her being that i live in her house. not to mention, she really doesnt like this guy. not one bit. its just a gut feeling she has i guess. whatever. i think its bad memories from years past. as it turns out we dated for a bit while i was using years ago... before my diagnosis. things were very different then.

anyway.

i guess my vent for the day is that i enjoy spending time with this guy and i wish i could see him more.

and i cant.