amazing.

isnt it just amazing?
the way the sky can glisten, the way memories remind you of what youve been missing.

i can talk to you forever. about nothing. or maybe everything.

what i would do to turn these dreams into a new reality... a fantasy of sitting in silence- and viewing the world, destined to make smiles permanent.

youre out there. its just a matter of time.

two worlds collide, and it seems like there was never any other way. just magic.

it is amazing.
the way the breeze tickles the skin, the way some warm summer day you will let me in...

give me strength.

ive been on this organic/buddhist kick lately. its been so rewarding. ish.
i feel so much better, stronger, more energetic... in the buddhist culture, its big to eat well, organic and with purpose. its been awesome... and then i go to fat farm last night... (weight watchers to lei men)

not only am i a raging pms lunatic, i get on the scale and im up. wtf? up? really!? the past few weeks ive been 4lbs OVER what my scale at home says... which, mind you, has always been the same as theirs... AND its the same according to my mom's weigh in. WHATEVER. im pissed. i feel better, i look better, my cloths fit better... but im up. eat shit fat farm.
so then i sit and pout in the back row... when the broad in front of me catches my eye. she's playing with her hair... no wait...
shes pulling out her hair...
and...
fucking eating it!
i know all about these puller people. i saw a special on tlc. im a pro. these folks decide to pull their damn hair, and BITE/eat the hair follicle. it crunches and then they toss the hair and repeat. oh yeah. this was really happening.

ill never forget my first trip to social services back when i was going through chemo and needed a medical card... when a lovely lady approached the counter, grabbed a cardstock postcard/flyer, picked her teeth with it and put it back.
THIS was even fricken worse. people disgust me.
how can i possibly have compassion for people that do gross shit like this?

we ended up leaving (without me puking all over her).

give me strength people.
good god.

happiness without.

The hardest thing.

Im thinking the hardest thing I am going to have to do is to ditch my expectations. From what ive been reading, that’s the true way to happiness… and it makes a whole lot of sense. Last week I made the decision to go back to school, today I find out that I have another 5 months to sit and wait for it to start. That’s another 5 months of the same last 5 months, as the 5 before that even. Had I not had the expectation to go back to school, I would have been fine in still sitting in this mess. Im always looking for something. Always looking for happiness or in being content even. It comes in waves, and then it goes. I wish with all my might I could just be happy as is.
Happiness without.

Without the stuff, without the career, without the boyfriend. Happiness without all that clutter. Find me that.

That’s what im looking for.

practice.

When I make up my mind about something… I usually follow it through. In the past couple of months, I have gone from a caffeine and nicotine addict who drinks too much and only “cooks” with a microwave oven to wanting more organic food, limiting my caffeine intake and quitting smoking. Ive gone from 60 to 0 in no time flat. I joked for a bit about becoming Mormon. Funny thing is, I’m not too into rules or church…
Since I ran into an old friend around thanksgiving, I’ve really been drawn to what he has to say. He seemed so peaceful, paced and happy. I sensed nothing but goodness coming from him and I dug the hell out of it. It was like the opposite of a toxic meeting… it was invigorating and motivating. Ive done a lot of thinking since our visit. I am determined to be happy and peaceful. And I know that’s my choice.
He turned me on to a certain Buddhist Monk’s writings. I purchased two of his books. One pertaining to anger, the other to living in the moment. Good. Good stuff. Words to live by.
Im not sure if I will ever call myself by any religion, since I refuse to “warship” anyone- being that I think we are all one… but these practices and teachings are so good.
My whole entire life I’ve been searching for happiness and peace within myself.
I’ve almost feared finding it.
Feared I wouldn’t know who I was without the pain and restlessness.
Feared if I mastered this, my life would be over.
I think I’m over that.
I think its time.
There are so many more lessons to learn.
There’s always something higher to reach for.
I’m excited.

Thanks to Matt for our visit.

amazing life.

amazing life.

i never knew there would be so much turmoil & messiness. as a child i knew what unhappiness was, i knew there was divorce and fights. people talked about betrayal and forgiveness. forgiveness. thats interesting.
i think i can forgive.
i can forgive and i can forget even.
my issue now is not throwing a relationship to the waste side. or is that even an issue at all?
what is real?
what is honest?
do i take everyone too literally...

does taking pills out of my purse behind my back constitute ending a friendship?
does your husband hating me from 3000 miles away constitute ending visits? does hiding the whole truth mean you arent honest with me?
all these lessons.
so much to think about i cant even begin to throw them into words.

do i ditch people too easily?
my sanity is my number one priority.
if you make me feel sick and weak, if you burn me and hurt me... is it right for me NOT to?
am i selfish for leaving you because you hurt me? have i hurt you?

i should buy paint.