bad ass bitch: unemployment.

its been a rough week.
if being unemployed is a bitch, being unemployed without receiving unemployment is a bad ass bitch.
ive spent the past couple of weeks in the throws of my own personal devastation since being cut off from unemployment. i have done everything possible: ive applied for every single opportunity i see, whether it pays $10/hr or minimum wage... just to have something. i have never tried so hard at something and continually failed over and over again.

i went searching for support online today. i googled "unemployment and depression", "how to survive unemployment", "unemployment emotional support" and every article said the same thing: keep on keeping on, stay positive, blah blah... bleh. one bit of advice i read was to read motivational books. seriously? all ive ever read was motivational books. i need a manual on how to not pull my damn hair out and how to dig out of my cave. my conclusion is simple: there is nothing i can do. there is no support system. there is no magic pill- well, except maybe popping valium all day... hey! there's an idea...

i havent had anxiety in years... and every day i have a huge knot in my stomach, or im dizzy, or i feel like puking. every day i wake up and say today will be better, and unfortunately, every day seems to end the same way. positive thinking is exhausting... even for me. i notice im getting angry. i think about the bills i have to pay and i get pissed! i think about my cousin's wedding coming up and the dress i have to finish paying off, the alterations, the shoes, the hair, the gifts... and my head spins. when i think of how to make this situation better - my mind goes to my $375/mo insurance payments i have to make, or the fact that my cobra will expire in 2 months, and ill be left with no insurance at all. then i think of how i need to keep my stress levels down for the sake of my immune system, and keeping cancer a distant memory... which, of course, causes more damn stress.

searching for answers will get me nowhere. hearing people say, "something will come through" or "keep positive" helps... it really does... but there are periods throughout the day when i sit in silence and feel like puking all over myself and wonder when...

sometimes you just feel defeated.

...one battle after another...

you fight addiction, you tackle depression, you battle cancer, you make the best of unemployment, you treat people with dignity and respect, youre loyal and loving and do the best you can each day to smile...
and sometimes you feel defeated-
like its never enough-
something is always lurking outside your window...
friends that lie to you, jobs that dont come through, old habits back to bite you...

i am the best me i know how to be-
and even when thats not enough... i will keep fighting as though it is.

lucky in love.

luck doesnt exist in reality.
luck is an excuse people use to turn their world outward when, in reality, we need to bring it all inward.
luck has just as much to do with falling in love as it does with winning the lottery or scoring a promotion. in order to win the lotto, you must buy the ticket; just as getting a promotion at work has direct connect to your performance and your choices.
falling in love means doing a lot of homework and mindful inventory...
what are your wants in a partner? your desires?
what can you offer someone else?
what are your deal breakers?
what is settling?
how much do you love yourself?
if the tables were turned, would you be in a relationship with the person you are today?
it can be a difficult journey to finding out who you really are. it is hard work that- as soon as you feel youre ready- you find you arent even close.
it may not happen when you want it to or how you dreamed it would, but there is one guarantee... if you do the work, you will find it.

i spent years in unsatisfying, dead end relationships with men i didnt respect because i didnt respect myself! once i did the work and found out who i was, i found happiness. i found love and respect for me.
i realized i didnt like the person i was and i spent 3 years in a cocoon transforming myself.
i found my insecurities and my fear. i acknowledged them for the first time. i found vulnerability. i conquered my fear with understanding and compassion.

it is a cliché but difficult statement to truly grasp: you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. really think about that. an immediate reaction is usually, i do love myself... but follow that statement with WHY. i love myself because... x, y, z.

the key is there is no luck in reality; only reflection. there are no ordinary circumstances. wonderful things dont just happen to some people. wonderful things happen to everyone everyday... if you just allow them to.
the "lucky few" are really the reflective, eager and dedicated few.

chasing the dream.

story is that "it" is all about the journey, not the destination. i think maybe another way to look at it is that its all about the little destinations. we are very stuck on the idea that we are born, we live and we die. maybe that in itself is the façade. maybe we manifest into different things along our giant journey and the idea is to make sure to never see things as having any beginning or end at all. truth is we cant really manifest from nothing, and therefore we can never be nothing.
every little "beginning" and "end" is just a spot in time. a speck within our path.
we are children, innocent. we grow into magnificent adults and change our thoughts and beliefs accordingly, but we never truly stop being children, innocent. we grow elderly or ill, but we still are the pure beings weve always been. we meet amazing, wonderful people that help shape our lives as we know it... and they will live on forever in what the left behind. its never just over.
many of us are caught in our day to day; going through the motions. working ourselves to the bone to keep that car, the house, the memory. we want to constantly be better, make more money, have more "things". running in circles to catch or next high will eventually leave us empty and alone... because really, we have it all. right here. right now.
maybe some say this is magical thinking.
i say it is my reality.

simplicity.

i think life in general is very simple.
i also think that what people want out of life is simple, when you pull away all the fluff; the money, the talents- all we really want is to be loved and accepted for who we truly are. we want to be stripped away to the bare minimum and be adored anyway.

take away my hair, my eyelashes, my chest.
take away my career, my car, my things.
take away all you see and you will still find me.

youll find a woman that struggles; that fights, that loves and longs.
youll find a woman that strives and wins- no matter what. a woman that only wants you to look at me and see what no one else sees and to love that more and more everyday.

find me the one that admires the constant drive and sees beauty in all that it entails. find me the one that would do anything but lose themselves in cool, dark sheets... that melts at the sound of my voice- no matter what the words may be... that gets shivers from my fingertips - and when we're apart, they find themselves daydreaming about when we arent.

its all anyone truly wants. to be perfectly imperfect in someone else's eyes, other than their own. you may know who you are and where you want to be. you may love your own idiosyncrasies and find confidence your abilities... but, at some point, you reach a height where you hope to find yourself no longer standing alone... to take comfort in knowing that all this hard work has paid off and you have safety in admiring it all with someone by your side.

simple. right?