bad ass bitch: unemployment.

its been a rough week.
if being unemployed is a bitch, being unemployed without receiving unemployment is a bad ass bitch.
ive spent the past couple of weeks in the throws of my own personal devastation since being cut off from unemployment. i have done everything possible: ive applied for every single opportunity i see, whether it pays $10/hr or minimum wage... just to have something. i have never tried so hard at something and continually failed over and over again.

i went searching for support online today. i googled "unemployment and depression", "how to survive unemployment", "unemployment emotional support" and every article said the same thing: keep on keeping on, stay positive, blah blah... bleh. one bit of advice i read was to read motivational books. seriously? all ive ever read was motivational books. i need a manual on how to not pull my damn hair out and how to dig out of my cave. my conclusion is simple: there is nothing i can do. there is no support system. there is no magic pill- well, except maybe popping valium all day... hey! there's an idea...

i havent had anxiety in years... and every day i have a huge knot in my stomach, or im dizzy, or i feel like puking. every day i wake up and say today will be better, and unfortunately, every day seems to end the same way. positive thinking is exhausting... even for me. i notice im getting angry. i think about the bills i have to pay and i get pissed! i think about my cousin's wedding coming up and the dress i have to finish paying off, the alterations, the shoes, the hair, the gifts... and my head spins. when i think of how to make this situation better - my mind goes to my $375/mo insurance payments i have to make, or the fact that my cobra will expire in 2 months, and ill be left with no insurance at all. then i think of how i need to keep my stress levels down for the sake of my immune system, and keeping cancer a distant memory... which, of course, causes more damn stress.

searching for answers will get me nowhere. hearing people say, "something will come through" or "keep positive" helps... it really does... but there are periods throughout the day when i sit in silence and feel like puking all over myself and wonder when...