you're right heidi... its time to blog again.

i usually only get to blogging when i am frustrated, sad or need to vent. i think i am all those things at the moment.

people just frustrate the living hell outta me.

pet peeves:

when people don't take action or fear a confrontation.

if you believe in something you should really fight for it, especially if you have every right. there is a way to respectfully, but with conviction get your point across especially if you have confidence.

when people don't follow simple instructions.

if you give a specific written request to, i dont know... your lawyer for example, shouldnt that lawyer follow your request? they do work for you, right? and, its a real shame when directions arent followed over, and over, and over again. i mean, really though?

when people are assholes within a family dynamic.

if you really love a sibling (for arguments sake) maybe the best thing to do is try and put their feelings ahead of your own... or at least, consider them. the whole world doesnt revolve around your one point of view. even i know that much. and, if someone is judgmental to not 1 family member, or even 2, but nearly every single one... then whos the one with the issue?

i think some people just lack common sense and have a blatant disregard for anyone else. its not that they intend on hurting anyone, they just do what is safe and what feels best to them. my goal for 2012: focus every day on how i may be making someone else feel with my actions or words.

good goal, kids. good goal.

eh. an article i found. worth saving i guess.

In 1994, the fashion industry launched its own fund raising and awareness campaign -- Fashion Targets Breast Cancer -- which has been embraced by some of the young, upstart organizations. They sell T-shirts, home wares and body care products, all conspicuous for their absence of pink ribbons.

While many of the campaigns for young women are very tasteful, some go too far, according to critics. Awareness groups geared toward younger women have multiplied exponentially over the last several years, and their messages have gotten saucier. Campaigns urge women to "Feel Your Boobies" and "Save the Ta-Tas." Advocates say they are speaking to young women in their language. Critics dismiss the campaigns as crass and chauvinistic.

Jeanna Shibona, who started the local chapter of the Young Survival Coalition, said she doesn't know what the fuss is about. She has all the T-shirts, including one that reads "Forget the whales, save your boobs."

"I don't know why anyone would be offended," Shibona said. "We totally dig all that stuff."

When the Young Survival Coalition linked to Spencer's "Boobies Make me Smile" campaign on Facebook, a debate erupted about whether it was appropriate to support that kind of advertising. In many cases, survivors themselves said it was not. After all, a campaign focused on the beauty of breasts wouldn't have much place for survivors who have undergone mastectomies. They survived the disease. Their breasts didn't. Whatever happened to saving the cancer patient?

Shibona, who tested positive for the breast cancer gene after her diagnosis at age 25, underwent a double mastectomy and reconstruction, but doesn't find breast-centric messaging offensive. She thinks it is an effective way to get through to younger women.

Groups like Rethink Breast Cancer insist they are doing just that. "Feel Your Boobies" is a play on the old self-examination pamphlet. But instead of a clinical how-to with instructions about radiating outward from the nipple, the ads take a more playful, casual approach. Women should know their bodies, it says. And they should feel their breasts regularly to make sure nothing is amiss. Rules aren't as important as self-knowledge, and body awareness can make the difference between life and death.

Messaging isn't the only problem when it comes to young women and breast cancer. Post-menopausal women have a good preventive tool in mammograms, but as it turns out, a tactical knowledge of her breasts may be the best weapon a young woman has against the disease. Mammograms don't penetrate younger women's breast tissue very effectively. That's why they are not used routinely on women younger than 40.

Breast cancer is still a relatively rare disease among young women. And young women who find lumps may have to overcome the biases of their health-care provider. Although the vast majority of breast lumps in young women turn out to be benign, they should be checked out.

"The greatest risk factors for breast cancer are being a woman and getting older," said Stacey Gross, Community Programs Manager for the Southern Nevada Affiliate of Susan G. Komen for the Cure. "It is not common for women in their 20s and 30s. But if something doesn't feel right, report it."

Between five and 10 women under 40 are diagnosed every year through a Komen Foundation program that provides mammograms to the uninsured. The Las Vegas chapter of the Young Survival Coalition has about a dozen members. But even though their numbers are small, their trials are not. Young women suffer disproportionately from the most aggressive forms of breast cancer. And it often strikes when they are raising or planning young families.

Wheeler didn't connect with the first breast cancer support group she joined -- a group of grandmotherly types without small kids at home. In addition to chemotherapy that split her fingers and left blisters on the soles of her feet, Wheeler also had to contend with a post-surgical reality that left her unable to pick up her two children. The woman who had left a career at Delta Airlines to raise a family now couldn't even do that.

Many of the women in her current support group have young children. And many worry about their fertility, which can be impaired by chemotherapy. The group and the Komen Foundation can direct them to fertility centers that will help them store healthy eggs for use after treatment.

Single women have to contend with dating, and telling their partners about the disease. Then there's the specter of the disease's return, which lurks around every corner and makes the future an uncertain thing. Shibona, like Wheeler, didn't feel she belonged in support groups populated by older women. That's part of the reason she started a local chapter of Young Survival Coalition.

"I wanted to be able to talk about having sex with my boyfriend with no nipple," she said.

Shibona has been cancer-free for four years, but doctors are still keeping an eye on her ovaries.

After surgery, radiation and two rounds of chemotherapy, Wheeler remains in limbo. The radiation scarred her tissue completely, but doctors won't know if it eradicated the cancer for a couple of months. But she remains hopeful.

"This may be the worst two or three years of my life, and then it may be over," Wheeler said.

Her kids make it harder to have the disease, but they make recovering from it much more important. Wheeler's pregnancy may also enable the triumphant return of her breasts. As soon as she gets the all-clear, surgeons will perform a procedure to take the pregnancy padding from her belly to reconstruct her breast. It'll take her not one, but two steps toward her old life.

"I'll get the reconstruction -- and it's like a tummy-tuck at the same time," she said.

Last updated on Thursday, September 30, 2010 at 12:11 am

...

what ive learned today:
seems no matter how hard i try to be the best, i still tend to fail sometimes.
i thought i was the supportive, flexible, go with the flow, helpful, go above and beyond type. i thought i was loving and compassionate. or maybe i still am... but maybe all my negative traits take over all the positive ones.


im so broken that i wasnt missed.
i ache that i make you feel like less of a person.
im afraid to breathe right now.
i hope i dont say the wrong thing or make you feel unlike you again.


thats all i got.
i try.

bad ass bitch: unemployment.

its been a rough week.
if being unemployed is a bitch, being unemployed without receiving unemployment is a bad ass bitch.
ive spent the past couple of weeks in the throws of my own personal devastation since being cut off from unemployment. i have done everything possible: ive applied for every single opportunity i see, whether it pays $10/hr or minimum wage... just to have something. i have never tried so hard at something and continually failed over and over again.

i went searching for support online today. i googled "unemployment and depression", "how to survive unemployment", "unemployment emotional support" and every article said the same thing: keep on keeping on, stay positive, blah blah... bleh. one bit of advice i read was to read motivational books. seriously? all ive ever read was motivational books. i need a manual on how to not pull my damn hair out and how to dig out of my cave. my conclusion is simple: there is nothing i can do. there is no support system. there is no magic pill- well, except maybe popping valium all day... hey! there's an idea...

i havent had anxiety in years... and every day i have a huge knot in my stomach, or im dizzy, or i feel like puking. every day i wake up and say today will be better, and unfortunately, every day seems to end the same way. positive thinking is exhausting... even for me. i notice im getting angry. i think about the bills i have to pay and i get pissed! i think about my cousin's wedding coming up and the dress i have to finish paying off, the alterations, the shoes, the hair, the gifts... and my head spins. when i think of how to make this situation better - my mind goes to my $375/mo insurance payments i have to make, or the fact that my cobra will expire in 2 months, and ill be left with no insurance at all. then i think of how i need to keep my stress levels down for the sake of my immune system, and keeping cancer a distant memory... which, of course, causes more damn stress.

searching for answers will get me nowhere. hearing people say, "something will come through" or "keep positive" helps... it really does... but there are periods throughout the day when i sit in silence and feel like puking all over myself and wonder when...

sometimes you just feel defeated.

...one battle after another...

you fight addiction, you tackle depression, you battle cancer, you make the best of unemployment, you treat people with dignity and respect, youre loyal and loving and do the best you can each day to smile...
and sometimes you feel defeated-
like its never enough-
something is always lurking outside your window...
friends that lie to you, jobs that dont come through, old habits back to bite you...

i am the best me i know how to be-
and even when thats not enough... i will keep fighting as though it is.

lucky in love.

luck doesnt exist in reality.
luck is an excuse people use to turn their world outward when, in reality, we need to bring it all inward.
luck has just as much to do with falling in love as it does with winning the lottery or scoring a promotion. in order to win the lotto, you must buy the ticket; just as getting a promotion at work has direct connect to your performance and your choices.
falling in love means doing a lot of homework and mindful inventory...
what are your wants in a partner? your desires?
what can you offer someone else?
what are your deal breakers?
what is settling?
how much do you love yourself?
if the tables were turned, would you be in a relationship with the person you are today?
it can be a difficult journey to finding out who you really are. it is hard work that- as soon as you feel youre ready- you find you arent even close.
it may not happen when you want it to or how you dreamed it would, but there is one guarantee... if you do the work, you will find it.

i spent years in unsatisfying, dead end relationships with men i didnt respect because i didnt respect myself! once i did the work and found out who i was, i found happiness. i found love and respect for me.
i realized i didnt like the person i was and i spent 3 years in a cocoon transforming myself.
i found my insecurities and my fear. i acknowledged them for the first time. i found vulnerability. i conquered my fear with understanding and compassion.

it is a cliché but difficult statement to truly grasp: you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. really think about that. an immediate reaction is usually, i do love myself... but follow that statement with WHY. i love myself because... x, y, z.

the key is there is no luck in reality; only reflection. there are no ordinary circumstances. wonderful things dont just happen to some people. wonderful things happen to everyone everyday... if you just allow them to.
the "lucky few" are really the reflective, eager and dedicated few.

chasing the dream.

story is that "it" is all about the journey, not the destination. i think maybe another way to look at it is that its all about the little destinations. we are very stuck on the idea that we are born, we live and we die. maybe that in itself is the façade. maybe we manifest into different things along our giant journey and the idea is to make sure to never see things as having any beginning or end at all. truth is we cant really manifest from nothing, and therefore we can never be nothing.
every little "beginning" and "end" is just a spot in time. a speck within our path.
we are children, innocent. we grow into magnificent adults and change our thoughts and beliefs accordingly, but we never truly stop being children, innocent. we grow elderly or ill, but we still are the pure beings weve always been. we meet amazing, wonderful people that help shape our lives as we know it... and they will live on forever in what the left behind. its never just over.
many of us are caught in our day to day; going through the motions. working ourselves to the bone to keep that car, the house, the memory. we want to constantly be better, make more money, have more "things". running in circles to catch or next high will eventually leave us empty and alone... because really, we have it all. right here. right now.
maybe some say this is magical thinking.
i say it is my reality.

simplicity.

i think life in general is very simple.
i also think that what people want out of life is simple, when you pull away all the fluff; the money, the talents- all we really want is to be loved and accepted for who we truly are. we want to be stripped away to the bare minimum and be adored anyway.

take away my hair, my eyelashes, my chest.
take away my career, my car, my things.
take away all you see and you will still find me.

youll find a woman that struggles; that fights, that loves and longs.
youll find a woman that strives and wins- no matter what. a woman that only wants you to look at me and see what no one else sees and to love that more and more everyday.

find me the one that admires the constant drive and sees beauty in all that it entails. find me the one that would do anything but lose themselves in cool, dark sheets... that melts at the sound of my voice- no matter what the words may be... that gets shivers from my fingertips - and when we're apart, they find themselves daydreaming about when we arent.

its all anyone truly wants. to be perfectly imperfect in someone else's eyes, other than their own. you may know who you are and where you want to be. you may love your own idiosyncrasies and find confidence your abilities... but, at some point, you reach a height where you hope to find yourself no longer standing alone... to take comfort in knowing that all this hard work has paid off and you have safety in admiring it all with someone by your side.

simple. right?

lesson.

ive been wondering for days now how to express how ive been feeling - and im not even sure there are words really. lonely, purposeful-less, anxious, trapped, selfish, dependant, cowardly...

how can i possibly be sad? how can i even remotely feel sorry for myself when i am alive and healthy? its such a mix of emotions. on one side, i am so grateful and lucky and on another, i am still fighting demons. they still creep up on me now and again and it is exhausting constantly trying to be positive and happy... even if i have a million things to be happy about. i guess that is depression in a nutshell, isnt it? what a bitch it is. a constant fight. and maybe not everyone understands it. i know i wouldnt. nothing frustrates me more than someone that seemingly has everything and doesnt see it.
i could be sick right now. i could be fighting for my life. but, in a way, i kind of am. thankfully i am treatable. thankfully i dont need oxygen or pain meds to function. thankfully i dont know roughly when im going to die. thankfully i have hope.

maybe thats the lesson in this weeks meltdown. i have the opportunity for recovery. i have hope. not everyone gets that blessing.

amazing.

isnt it just amazing?
the way the sky can glisten, the way memories remind you of what youve been missing.

i can talk to you forever. about nothing. or maybe everything.

what i would do to turn these dreams into a new reality... a fantasy of sitting in silence- and viewing the world, destined to make smiles permanent.

youre out there. its just a matter of time.

two worlds collide, and it seems like there was never any other way. just magic.

it is amazing.
the way the breeze tickles the skin, the way some warm summer day you will let me in...

give me strength.

ive been on this organic/buddhist kick lately. its been so rewarding. ish.
i feel so much better, stronger, more energetic... in the buddhist culture, its big to eat well, organic and with purpose. its been awesome... and then i go to fat farm last night... (weight watchers to lei men)

not only am i a raging pms lunatic, i get on the scale and im up. wtf? up? really!? the past few weeks ive been 4lbs OVER what my scale at home says... which, mind you, has always been the same as theirs... AND its the same according to my mom's weigh in. WHATEVER. im pissed. i feel better, i look better, my cloths fit better... but im up. eat shit fat farm.
so then i sit and pout in the back row... when the broad in front of me catches my eye. she's playing with her hair... no wait...
shes pulling out her hair...
and...
fucking eating it!
i know all about these puller people. i saw a special on tlc. im a pro. these folks decide to pull their damn hair, and BITE/eat the hair follicle. it crunches and then they toss the hair and repeat. oh yeah. this was really happening.

ill never forget my first trip to social services back when i was going through chemo and needed a medical card... when a lovely lady approached the counter, grabbed a cardstock postcard/flyer, picked her teeth with it and put it back.
THIS was even fricken worse. people disgust me.
how can i possibly have compassion for people that do gross shit like this?

we ended up leaving (without me puking all over her).

give me strength people.
good god.

happiness without.

The hardest thing.

Im thinking the hardest thing I am going to have to do is to ditch my expectations. From what ive been reading, that’s the true way to happiness… and it makes a whole lot of sense. Last week I made the decision to go back to school, today I find out that I have another 5 months to sit and wait for it to start. That’s another 5 months of the same last 5 months, as the 5 before that even. Had I not had the expectation to go back to school, I would have been fine in still sitting in this mess. Im always looking for something. Always looking for happiness or in being content even. It comes in waves, and then it goes. I wish with all my might I could just be happy as is.
Happiness without.

Without the stuff, without the career, without the boyfriend. Happiness without all that clutter. Find me that.

That’s what im looking for.

practice.

When I make up my mind about something… I usually follow it through. In the past couple of months, I have gone from a caffeine and nicotine addict who drinks too much and only “cooks” with a microwave oven to wanting more organic food, limiting my caffeine intake and quitting smoking. Ive gone from 60 to 0 in no time flat. I joked for a bit about becoming Mormon. Funny thing is, I’m not too into rules or church…
Since I ran into an old friend around thanksgiving, I’ve really been drawn to what he has to say. He seemed so peaceful, paced and happy. I sensed nothing but goodness coming from him and I dug the hell out of it. It was like the opposite of a toxic meeting… it was invigorating and motivating. Ive done a lot of thinking since our visit. I am determined to be happy and peaceful. And I know that’s my choice.
He turned me on to a certain Buddhist Monk’s writings. I purchased two of his books. One pertaining to anger, the other to living in the moment. Good. Good stuff. Words to live by.
Im not sure if I will ever call myself by any religion, since I refuse to “warship” anyone- being that I think we are all one… but these practices and teachings are so good.
My whole entire life I’ve been searching for happiness and peace within myself.
I’ve almost feared finding it.
Feared I wouldn’t know who I was without the pain and restlessness.
Feared if I mastered this, my life would be over.
I think I’m over that.
I think its time.
There are so many more lessons to learn.
There’s always something higher to reach for.
I’m excited.

Thanks to Matt for our visit.

amazing life.

amazing life.

i never knew there would be so much turmoil & messiness. as a child i knew what unhappiness was, i knew there was divorce and fights. people talked about betrayal and forgiveness. forgiveness. thats interesting.
i think i can forgive.
i can forgive and i can forget even.
my issue now is not throwing a relationship to the waste side. or is that even an issue at all?
what is real?
what is honest?
do i take everyone too literally...

does taking pills out of my purse behind my back constitute ending a friendship?
does your husband hating me from 3000 miles away constitute ending visits? does hiding the whole truth mean you arent honest with me?
all these lessons.
so much to think about i cant even begin to throw them into words.

do i ditch people too easily?
my sanity is my number one priority.
if you make me feel sick and weak, if you burn me and hurt me... is it right for me NOT to?
am i selfish for leaving you because you hurt me? have i hurt you?

i should buy paint.

it really is all good here.

Im starting to realize what a wonderful life I really have.
They say its all relative, the grass is always greener.
Today I noticed Ive got it pretty damn good. Granted, I may be living with my mom, but I am with someone who loves and respects me and we get along great!
I may be single, but the opposite is not always what its cracked up to be.
I have freedom and happiness and independence and its beautiful and wonderful.
I have strong, fulfilling and healthy relationships.
I have a strong family support, no secrets and an openness and honesty that is rare.
Who’s to say that having the house, 2 cars, a husband and a high paying job is the right way? Theres a whole lot of unhappiness that comes from those “perfect lives” and “perfect positions”…

Again, I may not have a home of my own, a man of my own, or even a job of my own, but I do have a life of my own, a mind of my own and happiness of my own.

Today, I am thankful and happy for my quirky, uncommon, unconformist life, that really is perfect.

me?

See my Personality Profile

View Full MyPersonality.org Profile

0 50 100	%
Openness	66%
Conscientiousness	72%
Extraversion	84%
Agreeableness	53%
Neuroticism	25%

HANDBOOK 2010

HANDBOOK 2010

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree....

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change...
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

truth be told.

lesson #1: never except a gift from someone that may or may not have ulterior motives.
lesson #2: even your best friend may lie to you.

when i accepted a free ticket to see my best friend, i never knew it would end like this. my idea of a good life, honesty and friendship has been taken and someone else's reality check is my punishment.
when she said she could tell me anything, she didnt mean everything.

i am now going to suffer for my oblivion to the truth. i didnt care where it came from, i just wanted a trip to see her. i would have taken a ticket from satan himself. and, in a way i kind of did. was it better to not know the truth? was this friendship all a lie? id rather know where i stand than continue with false relationships.

everyone has secrets. no one tells all.
i wish i knew that from the beginning.
maybe i need to keep some things inside too.
maybe im too much of an open book.

find me truth.
find me honesty.
until then... ill sit alone. and im fine with that.

holidays.

today was thankgiving. my first non-smoking thanksgiving i can remember. i dealt. 4 weeks sunday. win. first sober thanksgiving like ever. win 2.
i spent the day with the usual group and all was good.

2 weeks to lisa.

of course, the holidays get us to thinking what we are thankful for. so i thought id list some things here now...

family (duh)
enough money to live.
health. (huge)
happiness.
freedom.
from cigarettes, drugs, dependency, all of it.
boo boo.
optimism.
growth.
learning.
today.

i cant wait to see lisa again so soon. it makes it so much more tolerable doing this every 6 months. and i am hugely grateful to the one who helped make this trip possible. that kindness is amazing to me. i guess dominic told louise the other day that his aunt jeanna was coming to visit. not his cousin's mom, but his godmother aunt jeanna. i love that. shit like that makes me know im doing my job. amazing.
amazing that he is a little person now and i remember the day that she asked me to be his godmother and how i cried. now he knows who aunt jeanna is.

still no full time job and im ok with that for now. after i get back from rochester, and after christmas is said and done, then ill start to panic. at least i have my health. really, thats all i need. my health and my sanity.
until next time...
xoxo

quitting. damn it.

im uber excieted to say that i have found a nicotine annonomous support group. i know i need it, so yay!
here's a couple of things i read that i want to remember...

If you have a problem and then use nicotine, you now have two problems.
Understand that you do not need nicotine (it is not nutritional).
Don't delay action toward stopping your use of nicotine because you think there are too many pressures in your life.
Think about letting go of nicotine as a "choice" rather than something you are doing to deprive yourself.
When you quit you may experience a sense of loss.
Don't dwell on these thoughts. The sense of loss is temporary, but the gains you receive will be enjoyed the rest of your life. It will become a pleasure to remove nicotine from your life.
If you feel an urge to use nicotine think H.A.L.T. Four basic triggers for using nicotine are when we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired.
There are better companions than cigarettes. As we end our relationship with nicotine there may be feelings of grief or loneliness. It is good to share what you are experiencing with others who are going through the same thing. Use your meeting's phone list to keep connected and clean with feelings of fellowship.

Our Addiction

Our use of nicotine made our lives unmanageable and most likely affected others. We have come to accept that nicotine addiction is a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual disease.

Nicotine use affected our behavior and attitudes. The continual desire for nicotine patterned our thinking and we believed we could not live without it. We invented many rationalizations and excuses to maintain our supply of nicotine.

The biochemical effects may have instilled a false sense of pleasure or control, but we were out of control. One puff or chew was too many, and a thousand were never enough.

Left to our own devices, we would have continued to destroy our bodies, suppress our feelings and alienate our families, lovers, and friends.